Jul 11, 2011

HELLO, CREWEL WORLD!


Oh, it's just so darn....love-er-ly!

Who knew that this would be just what the doctor ordered to get me through a beastly weekend full of mishaps? But 'twas, and I'm itching to get back in the Happy Chair today to sink back down into this perfect little puddle of bliss. In case you missed it, this is Daisychain ABC's by Miss Alicia Paulson, Her Very PosieGetsCosy Self.

Saturday was not a good day to be a Rich Sister. We headed out early, with our errands list in hand, but we were met with nothing but delays and bad luck. First there was the horrifying fact that Aunt Chrissy's birdfood place was out of birdfood! Out! Of birdfood! For most people, this wouldn't be that big of a deal, but Aunt Chrissy has turned herself right into the Birwoman of Alcatraz over here in Hoosierville, and she dutifully fills four feeders every day. We've been buying 40lb. bags of black oil sunflower seeds at a local nursery, but....well...(see above for the reason why we'll now have to go to the Targets tonight for a little bag to tide her over).

We left the birdfood place and were headed to the Target pharmacy to pick up some prescriptions, when KA-BLAM! ...a really bad car accident right in front of us! I was waiting to turn left across a HUGE intersection, and before we knew what was happening, two cars crashed violently right there in the middle of it all. Aunt Chrissy grabbed her cell phone and was out of the car in a flash to run to the victims, and I was right behind her..."running" as fast as my flip flops and big fat jiggly butt could make it. The smoke from the airbags was still in the air when I reached the passenger side of car #1, and I heard Aunt Chrissy telling 9-1-1 to send ambulances. It was then that I realized that the victims were probably more shocked by a big fat sweaty woman hollering "You're OK! Just stay right there and be calm! We've called for help! They're on their way! You're OK! Don't worry!" than they were by the imapct of metal and glass and car fluids flying through the air at split-second speeds.

Here's a visual aid for you: (images not to scale)


(Just as I was leaning down to comfort the little boy in car #1, my left boob decided to make a run for it and pop out from beneath my big girl sports bra that I only wear for running errands on Saturday afternoons. Needless to say, the sight of me trying to discreetly fix the problem was probably not something that should have been done in the middle of a big ass intersection, but what are you going to do?)

Everybody was OK. Very shaken up and more than a little amused by the two crazy spinsters wondering how to direct traffic in an intersection comprised of two major four-lane roads, but the fire trucks and ambulances and policemen were there in a flash, so we were able to leave it to the professionals and get out of the way.

The funniest part is that when they arrived with lights and sirens blazing, they immediately ran up to Aunt Chrissy and I, thinking that WE were the ones that had just been in the accident. (Guess it's time to re-think my "look", since it apparently screams "Help me!").

After all of the excitement was over, I had to "jog" back over to my car to get it out of the way, and all I could do was pray that the several million people watching all of this said to themselves "Oh, those two women must be medical professionals the way they jumped out and ran over to help. Why else would the big one have attempted to move that fast without proper undergarments in place?".

(Oh, and by the way. I'm pretty sure that statistics would dictate that out of the several thousand people witnessing that accident, there had to be at least seven or eight REAL medical professionals, so shame on all of you for NOT getting out of your cars to make sure we didn't screw it all up and for just sitting there laughing at the big fat sweaty girl trying to wrestle her boob back into her bra.)

Needless to say, we were both pretty wiped out after that, but we did manage to make it to the grocery store so that we could breathlessly tell everybody within earshot about our heroics.

I was so stiff and sore yesterday that you would have thought that I was actually in one of those cars, and despite my very best attempts, not one thing was accomplished. Somewhere around 2:30 or so KA-BLUEY! the power went out, so I headed over to Aunt Chrissy's house for a shower and some air conditioning.

(We had Taco Bell and TeeVee watching instead.)

Today dawned bright and early and I was all set to do a few things around the house when Hoosierville was hit with a thunderstorm of epic proportions. And it came out of nowhere! It's been reported that we had an 80 mile and hour gust of wind, which I believe because I kissed Stewey goodbye and headed under the bed. The power was out for a few hours (again with the KA-BLUEY!), but I'm happy to report that we seem to be back to normal now.

(Well. As normal as one could expect when I'm involved.)

So that's the Monday report from Chez Spinster. We've had an eventful few days, so it looks like I might need a nap or two. Either that or a dietCoke the size of my head.

What's new with you?

26 comments:

  1. OMG, I had to stifle the laughter while sitting here in my little cube! Sorry to hear about the accident, the power outage and the wardrobe malfunction. I absolutely love the start on your Daisy crewel. It's so pretty!

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  2. You have made my day...once again.

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  3. I guess with all those air bags exploding your boob just wanted to let go too. It could come in handy if YOU are ever in a car crash!Really nice of you to run over and halp the victims...and I love seeing all your needlework finishes, since there's not much of that happening in my neck of the woods. Keep on being you!

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  4. That was 'help', not 'halp', of course.

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  5. So glad I read this post today! This was too funny! And here am I missing my baby girl who is a sweet 16 today and not here but in Switzerland. Thanks for the smile.

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  6. You are by far the funniest person when it comes to writing. I just love your posts and am always happy to see your accomplishments.

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  7. Oh my God! I think I am dead! I have laughed myself to death and it's all YOUR fault! My children are motherless because of your boob falling out story - OMG OMG OMG!!!

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  8. Go to Nordie's get yourself bras that fit! Love that crewel piece from Ms Paulson. It reminds me of one my aunt did in the 70s only more fabulous!

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  9. Unlike Valerie, I didn't have to stifle my guffaws. One of the perqs of working from home. Of course it would be nice if I could quit laughing and get back to work. The crewel piece is gorgeous.

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  10. Hahahahahaha -you are hilarious, as usual! Love the stitchy project too.

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  11. The crewel piece is beautiful, but I have to confess that the boob story was even better. I love your blog and appreciate that you make me laugh almost every day. Hope the storms in Hoosierville calm down.

    Have a great one.

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  12. Geeze Coni, I'm glad is was your boob instead of mine. LOL...nothing like a little mid intersection wardrobe malfunction. :-D Surprised they didn't arrest you for indecent exposure. (giggle) On the bird food front, you might want to try the local feed and grain. I found that our nearby farm and feed store sells birdseed incredibly cheaply--Target does not. I haven't done crewel work in a good 40 years. This piece may just get me back into it. Thanks so much for posting and making my day!
    Pamela in Tucson, AZ

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  13. As to be expected, the crewel work is georgeous and I too add my comment about brightening my day. You have a unique talent of adding excitement to to what would otherwise be mundane and boring. OK, so perhaps the car accident and boob flash isn't so mundane and boring - I applaud both yourself and Chrissy for dashing out to help - whatever the consequences. Well done!

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  14. Airbags and boobs remind me of my late uncle's story:
    He was driving a Lincoln Continental when struck by a drunk driver at 3:00 p.m. on a Friday afternoon. The impact was hard enough to send him into a ditch, render him unconscious, and force his airbag to deploy.
    He regaled us with his first thought upon regaining consciousness: 'Wow... that woman sure has big soft boobs....'

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  15. That's it -- your escaping boobie thought it was needed as an extra airbag for those folks in the car wreck. (note the use of the word "wreck" -- I'm back in southern Hoosierland)

    Glad to hear there were no serious injuries to people, just cars (which as we all know, are replaceable.)

    Your stitching looks lovely, as usual. Keep cool!

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  16. Sounds like there were some serious interruptions to your weekend - How on earth did you manage to achieve all that gorgeous stitching.
    Beautiful start on this project.

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  17. Well Coni, boobs have a mind all of their own. They make an appearance solo or with their twin at the most inconvienent and inappropriate times. Take today, I put on a new black bra that shows of my cleavage well. So I brazenly prance into the frontroom to get "something" hoping to catch the eye of my new husband of two weeks. Well when I leaned over to pick up my flip flops and out popped lefty and I barely contained righty. Needless to say, I did catch hubby eye! Life carrying around twins can be an adventure, as you found out.

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  18. OMG Coni...my tummy hurts now. I couldn't stop laughing after I read about the boob. Thank god no one got hurt in the accident. And good on you and your sister to jump out of the car and lend a helping hand.
    Is Stewey better or does he still have a cold?

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  19. My goodness, Coni, what an adventure you and Aunt Chrissy had. Car accidents are scary and I am glad you were not in one yourselves. We had a thunder-lightening-rain storm at 3am here in the Phoenix area. I love storms of any kind. ANd this one not only added to our water for the year, entertained an insommniac (me), but also washed away some of the sand from our big-ass dust (sand) storm from the week before. Such exciting weather the US is having. Stay cool!
    As for the boob incident, we all have our moments of indiscretion.

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  20. Well you just made my day, I still have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing so much. Thank heavens Stewey didn't see his m-o-t-h-e-r's wardrobe malfunction and I hope he was not unsettled too much with the storm, frightening things that they can be!
    Love your crewel embroidery, just beautiful as always.

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  21. BRAVO for your bravery and rescue attempts and so glad you and Stewey are ok. It is hot here too (in KY) all I did was drink ice water and take naps. I couldn't even bear to think about doing anything. :( Cathryn

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  22. After half an hour and reading other blogs I've had to come back to re-read and let you know I'm still laughing. Love the diagram. Also love the stitching too.

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  23. OK I am done lurking!
    Your escaping boob story had me choking on my mouthful of coffee! I was trying so hard not to spray it all over my desk & monitor LOL I love your little diagram too! What a hoot! Seriously though I am so glad you & Aunt Chrissy went to help the victims.
    I love how your crewel project is coming along! What a fun design.
    I truly enjoy reading your blog. I love seeing all of your stitching and also enjoy reading Stewey's thoughts. I have Stewey's short legged cousin Goober over here and I always imagine he is saying some of the same things Stewey is thinking LOL

    Thanks Coni for always brightening my day :)

    Lisa
    Florida

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  24. My hubby always knows when i`m reading your blog. He looks at me and asks "Stewey?" and I usually just nod as I am cracking up so badly. I`m proud of you for rushing to help....have you noticed most people don`t seem to give a damn? The wardrobe malfunction was hilarious. It has happened to me as I have huge heavy boobs that seem to bust out (pardon the pun) at the most inopportune times. My bras just can`t take the strain!

    Kisses to Stewey and Bosco

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  25. Omagosh...I don't LOL very often, but I just startled my husband with my laughter! HeeHeeHoHo....I can't stop the giggles! So glad y'all were able to render aid. I bet that little boy will have quite a story to tell in future years! Oh, heeheehoho....

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