My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's lounging in the office with a book and a cup of tea. TEA! AND A BOOK! ON DECEMBER 15TH!
This little tidbit wouldn't be so alarming were it not for the fact that not one present has been wrapped, not one gift for Stewey has been purchased, and not one Italian cookie has been baked. I swear, this woman takes procrastination to a whole other level.
As I type this, I reflect on the "goals" that she set for herself this year. Let's review, shall we?
1. Lose 10 pounds a month and exercise at least 10 minutes a day.
Well, I'm pretty sure that she didn't come anywhere near that particular goal, since she seems to be fitting very nicely into her hugely butted sweatpants, and the last time she did any kind of exercise for more than thirty seconds, she had to go take a four hour nap.
2. Open a Christmas account and deposit $100 per month. Open a stitching account and deposit $100 per month.
She opened an account all right, but near as I can tell every single penny went to stitching and not one thin dime to anything remotely Christmasy related. (See lack of gifts for yours truly above.)
3. Finish 10 projects in the house, like caulking in front of the tub, fixing the water cooler, replacing the kitchen faucet, and getting a better system for storing crap in the bathroom.
Nope, nope, and nope.
4. Get 10 finished stitchy pieces framed, finish stitching 10 WIP's, make 10 Christmas ornaments, and do 5 LJP flower collages. Make 1 BAP, 5 painted canvases, 10 counted canvases, and finally organize the studio in a way that doesn't involve a GPS system and a very complicated road map.
Are you kidding? Yes, I guess the old lady did a fair amount of stitching this year, and yes, I guess she reached a few milestones and became a little less "uptight" about how she goes about stuff, but I don't think she even LOOKED at this list, let alone tried to achieve anything on it.
I have to say, I am thoroughly disgusted. Every year, it's the same damn thing. "Stewey", she says, "This is the year that Mommie Dearest is going to ....." and then we get the pad of paper out and lists are made and promises promised and goals set until I leave the room in sheer disbelief. Who the heck does she think she's kidding with all of this? You? Me? Certainly not herself....is that even possible at this late stage in the game?
As for me, I am perfectly content to use the same list from year to year:
1. Look adorable.
2. Water the drapes regularly.
3. Exasperate my Aunt Chrissy.
4. Growl at my pesky cousin whenever he comes within eight feet of me.
5. Eat turkey bacon with impunity.
See? THAT'S how you write a list. Five things that I can do standing on my head, and five things that...no matter how many times I do them, never get old.
So it would seem that we are headed into these last few weeks of the year armed with the same things we had coming in....apathy, incompetence, ennui, and a complete lack of urgency that would prompt the old lady to get off of her considerable heiney and empty the damn dishwasher already.
(Sigh) I could have thrived with a smarter owner.
I hope that you are enjoying your Wednesday, 12/15, and that YOUR lists are as long or short as you would like them.
With love from your pal,