Aug 16, 2009

THEY SHOULD MAKE PILLS FOR THIS

In the movie "Serendipity", one of my favorite lines is "They should make pills for this". This phrase is uttered by the pesky side-kicks whenever the heroine or hero acts all crazy-ass and does something totally nuts.

Welcome to Aunt Chrissy's world.

Scene: Friday night in a Midwestern living room. A spinster and her sister have settled in for a night of stitching and movie watching. They are almost half-way through "The Gates" when...

SPINSTER: AAAACCCCKKKKK!!!! SPIDER! SPIDER! SPIDER!

AUNT CHRISSY: WHERE?! WHERE?! WHERE?!

SPINSTER: RIGHT HERE CRAWLING ON THE HAPPY CHAIR!!!!!

(Ottoman and precocious little dog go flying, as does all stitchy materials and about four hundred skeins of DMC floss).

SPINSTER: DID YOU SEE IT! OH MY GOD! IT CRAWLED DOWN INTO THE HAPPY CHAIR! GET IT! GET IT! GET IT!

AUNT CHRISSY: GET ME A BROOM! A CAN OF BIG SPRAY! ANYTHING! RUN! RUN!

SPINSTER: I DON'T HAVE A GUN!

AUNT CHRISSY: OH FOR CRIPE'S SAKES....GO GET A #($* BROOM, WILL YA?!

The Spinster dashes into the laundry room where she retrieves a dust mop. As she's rushing back into the living room, she makes a mental note that if she did more housework, the dust mop would probably not have dust and cobwebs on it from lack of use.

SPINSTER: HERE! GET IT! GET IT! GET IT!

AUNT CHRISSY: GO GET THE VACUUM CLEANER! WE'LL SUCK IT OUT OF THE CHAIR!

The Spinster runs into the guest room, and as she's climbing over the dog-proof baby gate, moving the eight decorative knick knacks sitting on the floor in the front of the closet, and re-arranging things so the shelves don't come tumbling down upon her, she makes a mental note to find a new place to store the vacuum cleaner.

AUNT CHRISSY: HURRY! WE DON'T WANT IT TO GET TOO FAR DOWN INTO THE CHAIR!

Chaos ensues as Aunt Chrissy throws the Happy Chair seat cushion across the room, plugs in the vacuum cleaner, and then hops on top of the chair so as to expose the dark recesses where the spider is surely hiding. The Spinster cowers in the corner while the dog pees on the drapes.



SPINSTER: Is it gone?

AUNT CHRISSY: Um....well....I'm not sure.

SPINSTER: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT SURE?!

AUNT CHRISSY: Well, I sucked up a LOT of crap out of this chair, but I don't know if the spider was in there or not. What the hell do you do in this thing anyway?

SPINSTER: Never mind that! How am I supposed to sit in that chair again knowing there's a spider in there!!!!!

Aunt Chrissy braces herself and takes a deep breath, since she knows what this all means.

She looks at her little dog, contemplates grabbing the car keys and making a break for it, and says (dejectedly): "OK, go open the garage door".

The Spinster and Aunt Chrissy haul the Happy Chair out to the garage, where it is left to sit....looking sad and forlorn to be abandoned over an insect. As the Spinster contemplates what to do next, Aunt Chrissy wonders how fast she can get power of attorney.

SPINSTER: Will you help me get the chair from the studio down the stairs?

AUNT CHRISSY: You mean the big recliner that is exactly like THIS one that I sit in when I come over to stitch? The one that Kavanaugh almost killed himself carrying up there in the first damn place? The one that you swore would never be moved again?

The Spinster and Aunt Chrissy go up to the studio and man-handle the big recliner down the stairs. Sadly, they have miscalculated the size of said recliner as compared to the size of the stairway door, so they decide to man-handle the big recliner back UP the stairs to re-convene. Aunt Chrissy momentarily thinks about leaving the Spinster wedged on the stairs trapped under the big recliner, but she soon realizes that if she does this she won't be able to get up to the studio to retrieve any of her stuff. She takes yet another deep and cleansing breath and hoists the chair up the stairs.

After several minutes of sweating and grunting, Aunt Chrissy and the Spinster manage to "disengage" the back of the big recliner from its seat, and they carry down all of the pieces one by one. The big recliner is placed in the exact same spot that the poor Happy Chair used to be:



Just as Aunt Chrissy is settling in to watch the rest of the documentary, she glances over at the Spinster, who has big fat sweaty tears in her eyes and she seems to be wringing her hands. The pause button is pressed, a heavy sigh is released, and Aunt Chrissy asks the Spinster what's wrong.

SPINSTER: This just isn't the same, Aunt Chrissy. It's not my Happy Chair.

AUNT CHRISSY: I know it's not the Happy Chair, but the Happy Chair has a spider in it and you won't sit in it with a spider in it, so we had to put it in the garage.

SPINSTER: I know, but this chair isn't very comfortable and I just feel like the whole world is against me.

AUNT CHRISSY: It's almost one o'clock in the morning. Let's watch the rest of this documentary and then we'll figure something out, OK?

SPINSTER (sniffing delicately into her hanky): OK

As they finish watching the documentary, Aunt Chrissy thinks about the fact that the artist Cristo was able to create a work of art that involved placing 7,000 two-ton steel frames with saffron-colored nylon curtains throughout Central Park, but her stupid sister is unable to re-arrange a living room without needing a Valium the size of a Buick to do so. She also wonders if you need a license to purchase a dart gun and how hard it is to obtain sedatives to load into said gun.

Aunt Chrissy leaves for home and the Spinster sits and frets. And frets. And frets.

The next day the women run their Saturday errands and then go to the Futon Factory to see if they can find a solution to the whole Happy Chair "situation". (Aunt Chrissy has decided that the Happy Chair has enough dog pee on it to qualify as a bio-hazard, and she tells the Spinster that until the damn thing is professionally cleaned, deodorized, and re-upholstered, she would suggest that it stay in the garage for safe keeping. After getting a whiff of the chair in the hot garage, the Spinster agrees with the understanding that they find a suitable replacement.)

$200 and a lot of grunting later (they had to man-handle the big recliner back up to the studio), they arrive home with:
Later that evening, the Spinster and Aunt Chrissy settle in for another night of movie watching and stitching, but the Spinster is so uncomfortable and miserable in the new chair, that all she does is sit and weep quietly.

Sunday morning dawns bright and early and the Spinster calls Aunt Chrissy, and in a trembling voice says:

SPINSTER: Aunt Chrissy? Will you come pick up this chair, please? I don't want it here anymore. I want my Happy Chair. I know I have to get it cleaned and fixed and de-spidered, but can I use my bedroom chair as a stitchy chair instead?

AUNT CHRISSY: I'll be there as soon as I put on some LIPstick.

The Spinster and Aunt Chrissy take up the rugs, move the side tables, sweep the floor, load the new chair into the car, move the bedroom chair into the living room, the guest room rocking chair into the bedroom, the rug back to where it was to begin with, the Aunt Chrissy stitchy chair into the corner, and end up with:



Aunt Chrissy takes a look around the room, sees the dog pee on the drapes, and decides that she will definitely look into assisted living facilities first thing in the morning. She goes home to her little dog and tells him that he's damn lucky that he ended up with her and not her insane sister. The little dog looks up at her, realizes what she's just said, and feels really bad about peeing on the piano while she was gone.

The end.

21 comments:

  1. What is it about spiders that makes us come unglued??? The other night after my DH went to bed I was downstairs in the rec room where we had watched a movie that night and I was settling in with one of my books and I looked up on the wall (don't ask me WHY I looked) and there was a HUGE daddy long-leg spider!!! Oh crap. DH was in bed and I couldn't just go upstairs and ignore it so I grabbed his shoe (you don't expect me to use mine, do you??) and smashed it :) YUK!!! Spider guts on the bottom of his shoe is better than on mine...LOL Then this morning I was reading the Sunday paper and having my coffee out on our enclosed porch when out of the corner of my eye I see something "running" across the carpet. Yup...it was a big black spider!! DH was in the shower so I had to get his shoe by the back door and smash it. They always seem to know DH isn't around and they can freak me out...which they do.

    It's a good thing you love your Happy Chair so much because if it were me....I'd burn it!!

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  2. Oh dear what an eventful weekend. Your poor happy chair! I am headed over to needle nest this saturday was wondering if you and Chrissy would like to meet up there and maybe go to lunch again? I was hoping Lelia could make it but it does not look like she will be free. Let me know.

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  3. I love the great chair.. Hate it about the Happy chair. I am mourning with you.
    April Mechelle

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  4. Oh, what a rough weekend you had. How stressful. I am exhausted for you and Aunt Chrissy.

    Would you like Cara & Mia to come over for spider alert? They are both very good at alerting us the instant a spider crosses the boundaries into out living area. They follow Mom's sentiment: If you do not contribute to the mortgage payment or taxes, you cannot live here.

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  5. Hi Coni,

    Just a word of warning if you ever do suck up a spider with your vacuum cleaner be aware they can live in there for ages and when you come to empty it you may get a nasty surprise,(this is a little bit of advice from an Australian who has had a lot of experience with large hairy arachnids).
    I enjoy your blog very much and read each and every entry.
    Karen, South Australia

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  6. WOW, what a harrowing story!
    And yet they (the dreaded "s" word) make such pretty fabric (webs).

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  7. I laughed so much reading your post that I think I woke up my parents (they are in their 80's), which is something considering my Dad is deaf, and Mom is hacking and snoring and making so much noise herself that I am suprised she can hear me laughing. Good thing Dad is deaf.
    You think it is bad that your dog pees in your chair? My poor Mom can't make it to the potty half the time. And who gets to clean this up? You guessed it - ME! I keep teasing her that there are Depends for this problem. I must say though, she does avoid the drapes.
    I have a Big Chair I'll send you if you can't get the Happy Chair cleaned to Aunt Chrissy's satisfaction.

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  8. Thank you for starting my week off with such a good laugh :)

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  9. A great 'spider story coni. It reminded me of the time that I was driving along. minding my own business, when a huge hairy spider drop down from the roof of the car directly over the steering wheel and immediately in front of my face. I calmly (not) slammed on the brakes and got out of the car causing a bit of a traffic jam on the one way system and refused to get back into the car until the said visitor had been removed. Luckily some guy, who thought it was hilarious, removed it from my car so I, and the other car owners behind me, were able to go on our merry ways!

    Hugs to Stewey (who really should have protected his Mom from unwelcome visitors!)

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  10. Oh dear, my co-workers must think I've lost it for good this time. I think they still don't understand that laughing by yourself is not a sign of a mental disorder... or is it..? :D
    I bet you got a lot of great workout with those chairs. :)

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  11. In the mean time...I hear that Atlas Van Lines need a few good movers...maybe you and Chrissy should put your resumes in over there? :)
    That was one hell of a weekend! :)

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  12. Well, you certainly got your exercise this weekend! I was once stitching/watching DVD with a friend and she suddenly jumped up onto the the back of the couch screeching 'a rat! a rat!' . Nope. It was a very large black spider...but nothing near as big as a rat. She wouldn't come down until "I" disposed of it. I feel your pain about your happy chair. There is just something about stitching in your favorite spot!

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  13. And I thought I had a bad weekend!

    And if you read the comments, ignore the one about the spider in the vacuum bag, put on your rubber gloves and change the bag NOW.

    Many hugs from CH,
    Jane

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  14. Oh my gosh - did I have a good laugh over this one. Although I sympathsize - I can't stand spiders either and will walk a wide berth around any area that I've seen one!

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  15. Oh my, I am so sorry, but this was so funny! You and Aunt Chrissy are a hoot! I hope your chair that you are now stitching is comfy! Seems spiders are really horrible this year because I see one almost everyday.....yuck......my house needs to be exterminated again.

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  16. Oh, Coni, I love you! You have managed to make me laugh out loud at school (where I most need to laugh, which explains why I'm reading your blog at work in the first place). I'm really afraid of spiders, but there's no Aunt Chrissy here to help with them. I'm so happy you have some reasonably comfortable location in which to place your ass while you stitch. It's imperative that all of us have such a location. Good luck on the remodeling, etc., of the happy chair.

    PS ... Thanks for yet another few reminders about why I won't be getting a little dog when Merlin meets his maker.

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  17. Have you considered saving your comfy Happy Chair by covering it with a nice afghan or cheery quilt? (Just until you get it reupholstered?)

    Also, I'd like to (respectfully) offer another perspective on spiders: That in some Native American legends, Spider Woman is the original creator of the world and is considered to be a metaphor for "she who creates from a central source" (does that sound like an obsessed stitcher or what?!). Also, there's Arachne, the Greek goddess of weaving, who gave her name to spiders everywhere. Another words, BFF Coni: spiders are really our sister stitchers! Yup, they really are... So try not to freak out (too much) when they pop up. (Okay, the big ones you can scream at and whap with a broom, but the little ones are kinda cute, aren't they?? Think of them as REALLY, REALLY tiny stitchers who make fantastic & strong creations from the flimsiest of materials.)

    That Spider Woman who scared you probably just wanted to join you in the Happy Chair (ha, ha)....or maybe she wanted to check your progress on what you were stitching!!! (just something for you to consider...)

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  18. I nearly peed my pants after reading your story about the Happy Chair. Too funny. I would have done the same thing because all I could have thought about was SPIDERS. Glad it's all getting resolved and you can go back to stitching in it.

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  19. OMG, that's the funniest story I ever read!! I'll send my two cats, Beanie and Cecil, if a
    s----r ever visits you again. They will eat them! Yum-o! Thanks for the giggles!!

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  20. OMG Coni - I am ROFL! DH just wandered in and wanted to know what was so funny. He read your post and was laughing as much as I was! He also said that he is glad that a) we don't have a dog that pees where he/she shouldn't pee and b) that I am not afraid of spiders.

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  21. You are so freakin funny! I love it! Hope your Happy chair hurries up and gets cleaned, debugged and whatever else it needs!
    See ya girl!
    DaisyGirl

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