My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's stomping around the house with the Yellow Pages looking for a lawyer, a bail bondsman, and a pharmaceutical company that will sell her sedatives in bulk. Since I just peed on the drapes a few minutes ago, I figured I better get in here and look like I'm doing something, or I'm pretty sure she's gonna' go ballistic. I might even get a smack on my heiney. (Not that Mom ever does that...she always threatens it, but then wimps out at the last minute). So until her hand actually meets my butt, we'll just keep the ASPCA on speed dial.
Let's see....what can I tell you all about? Firstly, let me report that both Mom and Aunt Chrissy had an incredible visit with Father Hesburgh yesterday. I know this, because the two of them wouldn't shut up about it all night long. They were there about a half-hour and Mom said that neither one of them cried or snotted anything out of their noses, and they got to tell Father what a huge impact he had on the family. He smoked his cigar and asked Mom all about herself and made her feel like she was a somebody instead of the colossal loser that she usually thinks she is. He gave them a very special blessing and they left there feeling like they had just had the experience of a lifetime. I'm sure she'll tell you more about it when she decides to stop muttering under her breath about malpractice and migraines.
I'm not exactly sure what happened, but Mom went to her doctor this morning and then came home and called Aunt Chrissy and yelled a lot. I think the gist of it is that another doctor that Mom went to last year for her lady parts completely ignored something and told her to keep taking some kind of pill, and now these pills are making Mom have headaches. Then I heard her screaming something about Judy Blume and facial hair and I got the hell outta' there. Bosco told me that ladies go through something called THE CHANGE, but he wasn't too sure what they CHANGED into. All I know is that when I had my "change", I came home missing two of my body parts and I had to wear a stupid cone thing on my head for a week.
So I've been sitting here trying to put it all together, and all I've come up with is that one of Mom's aunts isn't going to come for a visit anymore because somebody has paws? And Mom came home from the WalGreens with something called Sally Hansen Extreme and Speedy Facial Hair Remover instead of those Kotex thingies that I'm NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY WITH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER! I also noticed that she had a box of wine that was a little bigger than usual, so I'm guessing we're in for a loooong night.
I'm going to get my bicycle out of the garage later and go over to Aunt Chrissy's house so that Bosco and I can look stuff up on the innernets. First I have to figure out who this Judy Blume person is. One of the things Mom said to Aunt Chrissy was: "Judy Blume was there when we hit puberty, got our periods, had our first kiss, and lost our virginity. Where the EFF is she now, huh?" I know she said "EFF" because usually when Mom's face gets that red I hear that word a LOT. So somehow I have to figure out who this lady is, and maybe I can call her on the phone or something and get her to talk my mom off the ledge?
And I have to look up thermostats, because I'm pretty sure ours is broken. I looked at it this morning when Mom was in the shower and it said that it was 48 degrees in here. Call me crazy, but that seems a little cold to me. I mentioned something about this last night, but Mom didn't hear me because she was busy pulling her pajamas over her head and then throwing them on the floor. And then, she slept in an old tank top and bike shorts from 1987! I wasn't even born yet, but I'm pretty sure that even THEN it was a bad look for her. What the hell is she thinking?
Uh oh. Looks like Mom is starting to head for the drapes! I better get outta' here and go hide in my fort under the bed. I'll write more later if I can figure out how to get the laptop under there. If you don't hear from me in a few days, please send cookies. And a dart gun.